Monday, June 11, 2012

Quarter-life Crisis

Over eight months ago, I left America as an over-ambitious, post-grad soul-searching wide-eyed twenty-two year old. I voluntarily called quits on everything important in my life and positioned myself across the world.


Because I felt too young for anything resembling monotony. If not now, then when?

Lately, I've been feeling all too old. The feeling has been a recurring damper, usually paying a visit while I navigate through the swarm of hundreds of children running aimlessly during the lunchtime madness in a Thai primary school. Or maybe, it's over the inedible (but practically free) school lunch, whilst sitting among middle-aged and senior white men who moved to Thailand for better or for worse, that I want to cringe in my supposed youth.

(Are middle-aged conversations always so dull? Is this really what I have to look forward to?)

And when did I get to this side of the classroom? When did I become responsible enough to lead a classroom of 50+ students? When did I become a role-model? At what point did I become wise enough to impart a piece of my knowledge to another human being? 

I try and think back to when I was a grade school student, which couldn't have been longer than yesterday, and hope I wasn't anything like the hyper-active students I'm now in charge of controlling.

I came to Thailand feeling at the epitome of my youth at twenty-two, and now suddenly, I feel a like a dilapidated twenty-three year old that can no longer have a drink without a malicious headache the morning after. 

There certainly could be worse places to have a quarter-life crisis, such as a cubicle doing something I don't want to be doing. Still, I am struggling to get past the feeling of being honestly & utterly afraid to grow up (or to face the fact that I am grown up.)

I know I still have plenty of the care-free years to come, but I am currently trying to accept that the clock is ticking, and the only direction it's going is forward. 


EMELEE said...

Oh you. This was exactly what I experienced (minus being in Thailand) at your age. To be exact, from around age 21-24...and here I am almost 26 (smack myself in the face). No one ever tells you that your mid twenties may in fact be one of the most challenging times in your life or what you are supposed to do with your life. Therefore, it can be anything you want it to be with the 'social timeline and pressures' sure to weigh in. I understand what you are feeling and I hope you know I can relate immensely if you ever want to talk.

Dan said...

If I have the story right, my mom was told about your blog by your dad whom I've never met. Mildly creepy but your blog is really cool. Keep writing.

AZE said...

Thanks...appreciate it! :)